November 30, 2023

Welcome friends to Meditations in Blue, a serial memoir project documenting my time incarcerated and return to community through journal entries, poetry, essays, and art.

You are welcome to join the story at any point as it unfolds, but if you’d like to begin at the beginning, I have written an introduction here and the first journal entry begins on November 2, 2023.

Thank you so much for being here, bearing witness and building community for healing and transformation.

Additional commentary and reflections are included in the audio recordings

November 30,2023

Deep Work

“A strong current in mainstream culture views depressing news, gloomy thoughts, and feelings of distress as ‘negative experiences’ from which we need to protect ourselves. The notion that we should steer clear of anything ‘too negative’ sets up avoidance as a default strategy. Yet the more we shy away from something we find difficult, the less confident we become that we can deal with it. Avoidance easily becomes a habit. And when avoidance of emotional distress becomes the habit of a culture, the low level of confidence in our ability to cope creates a barrier to publicly acknowledging upsetting information. This in turn leads to a selective screening out of aspects of reality that seem too painful to bear, too distressing to contemplate.”

-Joanna Macy, “Active Hope”

Its confusing to be here— am I responding well to the situation? Am I a monster because I get up to do yoga each day> I haven’t cried or openly been grieving and that makes me feel like I’m doing things wrong, like I don’t really love Liam and Miracle. This isn’t new— these thoughts, this angst, but they are arising anew as I’ve heard the other women talking about me, spreading rumors. The awful ones that have been said in the past in the press and by my dad— that I’m a murderer. That I wanted to, that I planned to kill Liam. Those are horrific. I didn’t think they could get worse. Now these women are saying I killed Miracle too. There are rumors spreading that I’m a baby, a child, killer. Doubts arise as I hear how other people perceive me, the stories they choose to tell about me, and I wonder which reality is true? The one I feel and know inside me, or the ones others create about me? I long for a space where it feels safe and sacred to cry, to wail, to feel. My heart physically aches in my chest as it breaks, but that’s a pain that remains unseen by everyone else.

My mind continues to flashback to Liam, to the accident, and I still can’t understand how this is real— how is he gone??? Why can’t I be where he is?? I hate that I choose to stay here. Is it over yet?

And all these additional things, the drama and interactions with others just adds pain that makes me wonder why I bother— why I bother at all.

Holding onto the vision of a grief house someday with Julie is the only thing that makes it feel manageable to stay. That I will be of service as I can be until it’s finally my time to be with my sons again. Each day is one day closer and that is all.

“A design principle that boosts creative thinking is ‘what comes before how.’ First identify what you’d like to happen; working out how comes later.”

-Joanna Macy, “Active Hope”

journal entry of the vision for a grief house/farm to work towards

Keep visiting this vision; hold it close but also lightly. Stay open to opportunities to take steps towards its fruition— no matter how small recognize its value. Simply begin. Place myself in the flow of energy. Write, speak, share. Stay clear on the what and let the how evolve as it needs to.

My goal: to become someone who can look at reality head on and not skitter away. To bear the unbearable with greater equanimity, with more grace and presence. To forge beauty in hell but not deny the reality of the hell that exists.

It’s not wrong to feel depressed, sad, overwhelmed given the context of my personal and our collective world.

“When we touch into our depths, we find the pit isn’t bottomless. When people are able to tell the truth about what they feel, see, and know is happening to their world, a transformation occurs. They experience an increased determination to act and a renewed appetite for life.”

-Joanna Macy, “Active Hope”

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Not as great of sleep last night and I can definitely feel the difference. Monny was up all night and feeling anxious/worked up about maybe being transferred to the women’s prison today. Energy at breakfast was pretty elevated already— no one slept much after commissary last night. Today should be an interesting one for sure. This morning should be quiet for me but have a visit at noon with Shelley and then hopefully I’ll get to see Rev Sharon in person!!!

While she was up last night Monny made me some hand soap by shaving down a bar of soap into an old conditioner bottle and adding warm water until it became a foamy hand soap. That was really sweet of her to do that and to teach me how. Having soap like that for washing our hands means the sink area can stay a little cleaner, having the bar of soap there just gets everything slimy and leaves a white residue on the metal sink.

I’m excited for it to be 8:00 a.m. so I can get to my messages and reply to Julie’s message she sent last night!! It does my heart so good to know that she is safe and stable at the moment now. Such a deep peace of mind. I’m proud of her, I know things won’t be easy going forward necessarily but lighter in some really important ways.

Things are flowing differently/more slowly with Monny being up this morning and agitated. I’d usually get down to begin my practice now but may let her try and settle into rest a bit longer before I try to add that into the space. Or instead, I’m going to begin my dinacharya practice (as much as I can do here) and keep grooving in that way to start the day. I gave away my lotion so next time I place an order with commissary I need to order another bottle to have some for an abhyanga massage.

Surya Namaskar Count: 25

I’m super tired today, after doing just a shorter practice I laid down and it was hard to stay awake. Lunch is over now— everyone but Monny chose to move away from sitting next to me and so it begins. It will be interesting to see what happens if Emma is put in with me, or me with her, after Monny leaves. She also lost a son in an accident, a very violent and traumatic one, but that hasn’t been something to bring us closer. I haven’t shared with her about Liam and Miracle, I am feeling worn out. I shared with people when I first got here, but there’s so much turnover that I just feel exhausted and don’t want to expose my heart anymore because it takes so much work to find my equilibrium again and it just doesn’t feel worth it to me. Not for women who aren’t going to show up as real supports for me. I have no interest in giving my personal life over to the drama feedlot. I kept myself separate in high school from all of that and somehow that memory comes back strongly here.

I am really looking forward to reading the book Monny has, I think she’s getting towards the end. From what she’s shared, I think it will be helpful to help me figure out how to navigate the dynamics here in a mindful way. Or I think to feel more confident to continue on this path I have chosen. While I hold out hope to continue to receive bunkies like Monny and Crys, there is a boding feeling in me that this time is coming to an end, and things may become more difficult.

There is still no message from S this morning and now I am starting to worry. I’ll be able to log onto the tablet here in ten minutes or so and will see if I’ve heard from her yet. I hope she’s okay, I hate being stuck here and not able to be a support if something has happened.

The toilet in Ange’s cell backed up and flooded her cell and she’s losing her shit— I mean anyone would but Ange in particular has a fear of germs and is at the point of complete collapse now. Just this morning she said that I inspired her with how calm I stay and I wish she could remember that. Now it’s seemed to have flipped, and my calmness instead of “inspiring” her as become a source to outlet her rage on as she’s upset with me that I didn’t join the screaming bandwagon— she just stood at my cell door screaming and spitting at me “to fucking stand up for something.”

It’s interesting to be sitting here in this space after coming back from a visit with Rev Sharon that was so calm and nourishing. Ange is on a roll and yelling all the rafters down and it looks like she’s going to be keyed up for a while. Will I be able to create a calm space for myself amidst all of this? It’s not that I don’t feel for her, it’s gross to clean that up, but also, it’s not a mess that I or anyone else up here created so her turning her rage on us feels unwarranted. If it had happened in our cell, I would clean it up, take a long, long shower and just— embrace the suck. Such is life. But I don’t need to join in her chaos, that doesn’t help anything either. Monny may be back soon— she’s going to be so glad to have missed most of this.

But enough of that, it will continue for a while, perhaps a few days. It was really good to see Rev Sharon and have a hug— such a gift. I love the bright colorful hair she has, such a light in the whiteness washed-out world this place is. To be reminded to connect with the greater spiritual perspective, to zoom out of being so focused on my own life and find a grounding in the greater landscape of life and the world. We talked about Gaza and Ukraine and so many other places around the world where so much horrific tragedy is happening— zooming out helps lessen the pointed pain of my particular experience and reconnect me with the intention to be of service in whatever way I can be in this life.

Since I fell back asleep this morning, I haven’t done a piece of art today and it feels strange. I guess that’s become a grooved in habit more than I’ve been aware of, for me to feel like my day isn’t complete without it. I’m going to do another surya namaskar practice and chanting before dinner and then do some art this evening.

That is the end of this day’s entry.

Thank you for being here with me, friends.

And until next time, much love.