(re)introduction

returning to the beginning

self-portrait residing alongside excerpt from my personal journal.

Welcome dear friends,

It is rather hard to believe how many of you are here with me now on this adventure journeying through journals, poetry and art from my time incarcerated. I wanted to begin this letter with a moment to express my gratitude and appreciation for each and every one of you. Your support, through responses, financial support, and conversations, has been a gift to me, and also a lifeline to many of the women who remain incarcerated, or are returning home, who I remain in relationship. When I share with them about this project, they are overwhelmed that people are reading, that people care. It gives them hope that they truly aren’t forgotten, and on the really hard days that is enough to find the strength to keep going. From the depths of my heart, thank you.

And now, why a (re)introduction is needed and where we’ll be journeying to next.

When I began this project back in May, I was feeling so incredibly lost in the world and unsure of who I was and what the right path forward was. While looking back is not always the right decision, at times what feels true is that the past can hold the wisdom we are seeking. There was a knowingness in me that that while I was feeling lost in that moment, the questions I was asking myself were ones that I had already sat with, wrestled with, and that I had had the privilege of resources to be able to write my way through to the other side.

That thought was the impetus to go back and open up the box of journals that had been sitting in the corner of my closet since returning home. When I did, I discovered that some of the journals were missing, the first few months, which felt confusing and enraging. Another thing that had been taken from me without my consent or knowledge. The assumption was made that the journals were lost somewhere between me handing the envelope to the C.O. at mail pickup and its final destination of my friend’s place. With no details or avenues of recourse to begin to find them after this time, I chose to simply begin where I was, with what I had. The first introduction to this project was made with the invitation to join me in beginning in the middle.

And so, we did, and for the last four months, we have traveled through almost a month of daily journals, some poetry and a few essays. The practice of slowly going through these journals has been grounding and centering for me— what I hoped would be true came to pass: within the pages of my own writing, I found myself once again. In this time, I have changed, and by changed, what I really mean is, I have returned. To the woman, to the essence that bore me through tragedy and trauma—and now, it is time to introduce some changes to this space.

In the magical, mysterious way that our universe unfolds, the originally missing journals have been found! I received them a little over a month ago and have been mulling over what the “right” next step would be for this project with their return. I am proud of beginning in the middle, and grateful for the growth and friendships it has brought to my life, and reading those first journal entries helped me realize just how much I had settled in and found my rhythms of survival by the time we meet myself in those journal entries from the middle.

These journals from the beginning are raw and visceral in ways that feel tender and precious. As I began to read the first entry, I was transported back to that day with such completeness it stole my breath away. This is what I was searching for when I began this project— this is the sacred ground of reclamation and transformation I sought to tread.

So, we will be returning, together, to the beginning. All previous journal entries shared will be archived for the time being, we will have the chance to visit them again, and perhaps what they hold will make a bit more sense with the earlier journals now providing context.

My intention is to hold Meditations in Blue as a project of presence and witnessing, meaning that there will continue to be no regular posting schedule. I do intend to lean a bit more into essay moving forward, to craft the stories behind the journals as I have begun to do with the poetry entries. These stories have added a richness and depth to my experience revisiting these entries, as well as helping with the intention to share a fuller picture of the reality behind incarceration.

As I embark on beginning again, I return to the purpose, the why behind this project that I wrote back in May when we began:

We live in a world that silences the incarcerated, that flattens us into numbers and mugshots. But behind those walls are lives still unfolding — full of complexity, beauty, rage, tenderness, and transformation. This project is a record of survival, a reflection of spirit, and a refusal to let our stories be erased.

As I return to this space after a month away, I am trying to ground myself in this invitation: that for this moment, for these times, what is important is to be with the truth of reality as it is. Whatever it is we may find, discover, unearth within ourselves and without in the world beyond ourselves, may we learn to hold its truth.

And so we begin, treading with fierce tenderness, the places within and without that are known and unknown. I look forward to continuing to share this journey of self-discovery with you, bit by bit as Meditations in Blue unfolds one entry at a time.